Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Experience Develops Understanding

          A dense haze created by the sun, and enhanced by mankind, filled the bus.  The air inside was saturated with the suns blistering heat.  The supernatural haze, almost visible in a white smoky tinge, had evil intentions.  A boy slouched in his seat; his head fell back and braced itself against the headrest.  He dropped his chin to his chest and thought nothing of it.  The haze seemed to possess the students as it flowed through their pores; ascended through their veins, and left through their mouths.  When it left the body, it was thicker and more visible than before. The blistering hot haze propelled itself through each student, as if it were feeding off of their misery.
The bus pulled up to the hotel and came to an easy stop.  Air brakes from the old rusty bus awoke a few students.  They might have been startled by the loud noise; if the heat hadn't left them intoxicated and delirious of their surroundings.  The dehydrated students grabbed their bags and ran to the lobby.  Where they were or what they were doing, was not relevant; the students needed fresh air.  The lobby's sliding glass doors cut the throat of the dense haze, which had followed them for a ten hour bus ride.  As each student received their room keys, they dispersed in groups of four.  A quick drop off of the students belongings and they were ready to embrace the foreign city. 
A few minutes later, the three teachers assembled and counted the students down stairs.  They departed from the lobby; one teacher set a brisk pace at the front of the line while the other monitored the group at the back, so that they all stuck together.  Although it was not an orderly march, it was an effective way to transport the students around. They walked, aimlessly following their teacher, down the stairs of an old subway station.  Graffiti was small and barely visible, but abundant.  The floor tiling had been torn up on one side of the hall, and the paint on the handrails had chipped. Despite its appearance, something left an unforgettable, warm feeling inside.
The students separated into the cars of the subway train.  A boy thought, "It is an interesting feeling to be so far away from ones comfort zone, but yet so comfortable because of the people around you."  As the train entered a tunnel, the darkness startled a girl; she let out a brief shriek that left the whole rail car on edge.  Although she was apologetic, everyone was still a little restless.  The pitter-patter of the tracks also did not help settle any of the passengers.  A tunnel light flashed by the window and illuminated only the right side of the train; it was followed by a few others that passed the car in an intoxicating fashion.  The tunnel was endless and the students were dying to get out.  The train was too familiar to the haze that had haunted them earlier in the day. 
A boy sat near the window, staring into the blinding lights that passed the railway car.  His vision faded into a simple white background.  He continued to stare, as the blindness created a blank canvas for his imagination.  His thoughts, however, took him back to the memories of the haze.  The boy wanted to escape the thoughts; he needed to.  Beads of sweat grouped under his hairline, as if they were trying to achieve freedom from his thoughts. They were all uneasy now, their stress was mounting, and it was hard to tell the difference between students who were eager to explore, and students who were ignorant; only wanting to find the nearest exit. 
The front side of the cart gradually grew lighter, before bursting into an evening glow.  Something stood outside the left window, hidden behind the pressed noses of the students.  Its intimidating beauty and power put those who questioned it in their place.  The thoughts of the haze faded. The day was vague in their mind, but the evening would be different.  The train stopped and a voice came over the PA system.
"Welcome to Paris."

2 comments:

  1. i really like the description in this

    the only thing i'd like to point out is the sentence structure, it's all kind of choppy. you have periods where commas could be, which would make it have more of a flow -- particularly in the beginning.

    "As the train entered a tunnel, the darkness startled a girl; she let out a brief shriek that in turn, THAT left the whole rail car on edge."

    real euro trip? ha

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  2. I agree with Olivia; the description is great. I especially like the last two sentence; they finish it off strongly.
    I was a little confused though by the time I got to the ending. The supernatural haze fades in and out of the story, and in the beginning promises so much action, but then delivers nothing.
    Halfway through you wrote a sentence in second person. You might also want to slightly change the word choice. "It was an interesting feeling to be so far out of ones comfort zone, yet at ease because of the people around."
    Lastly, I would probably get rid of the bus sound effects. Or integrate it later on in the first sentence.
    Hope that was helpful!

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