This is really interesting. I especitally like the first three lines. What I would do to give the poem a little more effectivness is to take out at least one of the "life"'s. Probably the one in the last line, replacing it with "it". Also, I would switch up the third line a bit; it sounds a little awkward. Maybe to "disspropotionatly"? Or better yet, replace the period with a semi-colon (keep the above change), and get rid of the following "life" instead of the one I mentioned earlier. The poem would have more flow then. Just a suggestion. :)
This is really interesting. I especitally like the first three lines.
ReplyDeleteWhat I would do to give the poem a little more effectivness is to take out at least one of the "life"'s. Probably the one in the last line, replacing it with "it".
Also, I would switch up the third line a bit; it sounds a little awkward. Maybe to "disspropotionatly"? Or better yet, replace the period with a semi-colon (keep the above change), and get rid of the following "life" instead of the one I mentioned earlier. The poem would have more flow then.
Just a suggestion. :)